Why I Didn't Date in High School

I get asked this a lot. 

The short story answer is this: it was a bet.

The summer before my freshman year, Paul and Gina (my youth pastor and his wife) had my small group from church over at their house for a sleepover. There were probably 12 of us there, when Paul started telling us about girls who just graduated and returned from a trip to Hawaii. Why did they go to Hawaii? Because Paul made them a bet four years earlier

“Don’t date in high school and we’ll take you on a trip.” 

What?

Then, he made the same proposition to us.

 What??

 Of course we took him up on it!

Four years later, I was on a plane to Mexico for a week with 8 of my closest friends.

Totally worth it.

......

Now for the longer story (because I definitely had reasons for following through on that bet besides the hope of laying poolside at an awesome resort.)

By our sophomore year, every single girl had already lost the bet. As far as I knew, I thought the trip was cancelled. I doubted Paul and Gina would want to take just me.

So from that point on, my decision not to date was no longer about the trip.

It was about how I wanted to experience and remember high school.

By that stage in life, I had already seen my fare share of relationships. Some started and ended within a matter of days, while others began and continued onto marriage (after high school, of course). I was an experienced third wheel, a fifth wheel and probably even a seventh wheel on “group hangouts.” As everyone coupled up, there were times when I felt ignored, and pushed aside. I became a second choice to my friends (next to their current fling), and it wasn’t the best feeling.

In fact, it actually sucked to sit at the lunch table and look to my left and see one friend snuggled up with her boyfriend, and look to the right, and see the same thing, and realize why nobody laughed at my joke (which I’m sure was hilarious, by the way).

“If that’s what I would become by dating someone,” I thought, “then I don’t want to date at all”

So I didn’t.

Granted, that’s from my 15 year old mind. My friends were still awesome people; so don’t get the wrong idea. I simply felt they were pouring a lot of energy into someone/ something that might not last very long. And, I didn’t want to be someone who ignored my friends. It didn’t seem worth it at the time.

I didn’t want memories to be tainted because all I did was spend time with one boy, only to have that relationship end, and then never be able to listen to a certain song, or go to a certain restaurant because they’d remind me too much of him. I didn’t want to have a bunch of pictures ripped or with the faces cut out and thrown away. And I didn’t want to repeat those things because I moved on and ended other relationships. I didn’t want to regret, or wish I could take back, anything during those four years. 

[ps. I witnessed all those things happen]

I wanted something different, and something deeper.

I wanted to pour my energy into things that I was sure would turn out well. I invested in friendships, with girls and boys, and I ended up having some amazing friendships.

I dove into activities at school, and had friends in a lot of circles. I poured my heart into my soccer team. I was a choir nerd and loved it, I ran for and won a spot on the ASB governing board, and my experiences there changed my life. I was involved in church, and Young Life, and loved the fact that I could grow in my relationship with Jesus by myself. I wasn’t attached to anyone.

Ultimately, I knew, as much as my 15-18 year old mind could know, that God had something bigger for me. I knew the million things I involved myself in, would end once I walked across the field in a cap in gown. I knew everything would be but a memory. I tried my hardest to enjoy everything while still a high school student, but I was excited to go to college, to travel, to study abroad, and to eventually fall in love.

I knew high school wasn’t the time for that, and so I decided to wait. 

There’s so much more to life [during and] after high school.  When you’re in it, it’s hard to see that. Sometimes our perspectives are so limited. This is one thing that I believe the Lord has given me- is the ability to look beyond, and to see the bigger picture.

So, that’s why I said “no” to dating for four years. It was one of the best decisions I could have made. I look back on those years and smile. Yes, there were some rough patches, and times that I wasn’t super happy (I’m sure a whole blog post will come out of those experiences someday). But I can honestly say that the relationships I did have were richer and fuller than they would have been had I been in a dating relationship.

Dating in high school can be a great thing. I can count on two hands the number of couples who married their high school sweetheart; my brother is one of them. Success stories do happen, so if you want to date in high school- go for it, it could be fun! In fact, I hope to share stories of friends who did date, and the things they learned. 

But know this: you don’t have to, because life can still be awesome.

(if not more awesome, in my opinion)

What?

It’s true. You have permission not to date, and not to obsess over boys. Life can, and will still be, immensely full if you don’t.

.....

P.s. I do feel a little weird giving permission not to date. Seeing as a lot of 15 year old girls are dying for permission to date, I realize that this approach is a little different. Some girls need to be told that it’s okay not to.  I needed that at times.

P.P.S by the way…

The trip still happened; only I didn’t have to pay a dime. Paul and Gina took 5 girls, and 4 guys to Mexico for a graduation trip, and it was awesome. 

these are the girls I traveled with to celebrate 4 years (18, really) of singleness. I'm not sure why we thought it was a good idea to get into the fountain... but it happened. Also, we look like babies, and it's weird to think that all of them are married now and some have babies of their own. Man how time flies.